I overheard someone on the train this morning talking about the benefits of having a diary and being able to read back over years and years of memories. I always remember one of my teachers in primary school told us she wrote diary entries every single night before she went to sleep, she started when she was 25 and just never stopped. I think when she taught my class she was about 65, she had suitcases full of handwritten books under her bed and in her attic…. I thought that part was a bit mad because who has that much space, but diary writing always appealed to me. I think its amazing to be able to look back and see how you were thinking and feeling at a certain time in your life, and I guess the great thing about growing older is looking back and seeing how far you have come, and how you have grown through life. I think blogging is my take on diary writing (I am not disciplined enough to write every day, and I cant imagine actually picking up a pen and paper now). I looked back a few days ago at some of the short stories I wrote in 2015 and it really put a smile on my face… firstly because I couldn’t actually believe I had written some of the stuff that I was reading, almost like reading it with fresh eyes. But in the same breath, I was proud because I wrote stuff at the most difficult times in my life, and the product was actually not that bad. I have times in my life that are documented through nothing but poetry and stories and although no one else would remember how i felt whilst writing them, I can and its really weird to see how different I feel now. I came across a poem I wrote when my dad was ill, and I remember being so scared around then, but reading it back now, that’s certainly not what came across and I just think that is the beauty of writing and turning negatives into positives. I haven’t written much properly in a long time, I always mean to write a lot more, but I am a perfectionist and unless something is immaculate I don’t want it out there. Anyone else struggle with being disciplined? I think as well writing for yourself rather than for an income or as a career can certainly have an impact. When I used to write for online blogs and magazines nothing was ever free-flowing, I don’t enjoy writing within constraints, I like being able to say what I want to say in the way I want to say it. The way you are supposed to write. On the flip side, I have come across a few posts and thought, Ellz what the hell were you thinking writing that…but that just makes me laugh. I think the 21 year old me and the 25 year old me are two very different people, but I like making the comparisons and seeing how life has taught me different things. I actually need to write about the last 3 months because i have been sooooo busy. I said to myself at the beginning of this year, I just need to live my best life really. Not in the sense that everyone usually talks about, but do all the things I have never done and want to do, and to a certain extent I really have done that. I have eaten a LOT of food, travelled, partied, spend a lot of money doing all the above but I have honestly had the best few months of my life…and of course I want to share that with you all. There will be pictures and funny stories (I have just come back from skiing which you can imagine was eventful) so hold tight for those….and Happy Easter if you are celebrating!
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A question for the new prime minister
How’d you have a heart so sinister?
How are you so wasteful when people are dying in Somalia
Afghanistan, Egypt, Libya?
The irony is we have no business in Syria
But kids are getting killed for all the business in Syria
And then they try and tell you it’s ISIS, it’s ISIS
In their attempts at killing it, how many civilians
Died, so what’s the difference between us and them?
When you got drones killing kids just touching ten
Then when a bomb goes off, every politician’s lost
Like that last strike that didn’t kill a hundred men
You ain’t the same as them
But all that fuel for the fire is what you gave to them
And what you take from them
All my life I know my mum’s been working
In and out of nursing, struggling, hurting
I just find it fucked that the government is struggling
To care for a person that cares for a person
So where’s the discussion on wages and budgets?
How they made them redundant when I was a young’un
The letters in our car said my mum was overdraft
But somehow I still had dinner money in my pocket
And even the little things like ordering pizza
Were probably the reason for overtime in the evening
Five till ten, six hours of sleeping
For 22 years my mum was doing the cleaning
Dreaming that her kids would have a better life
Go in bed at night, struggling with getting by
That’s the reality for millions of people in a nation
Where a lot of us were looking for a second try
A question for the new prime minister
And please, tell me if I’m being narrowminded
But how do we spend so much money on defence
And weapons to wage war when the NHS is dying?
Bursting at the seams, and what about them people
That voted for us to leave for the money that it would see?
350 million we give to the EU every week
That our health service needs
But now them politicians got what they wanted
Can you see an empty promise or a poster on the street?
Nurses in tears ’cause they’re working every hour of the week
And they still don’t have the money that they need
You brought the heart of the nation to its knees
Underpaid, understaffed, overworked
And overseen by people who can’t ever understand
How it feels to live life like you and me
Patients lying in the corridors
‘Cause doctors can’t even find a bed for them to sleep
I remember A&E and all them sickening screams
Of a little girl waiting for a surgeon to be seen
Privatized healthcare, guns for police
Increased uni fees, is this what they’re selling us?
Well let me remind you just in case you’ve forgotten
That we live in Great Britain, not in Donald Trump’s America
Speaking of America, state and the president
With all due respect, I’ve got something to say to them
I just find it funny you can’t give a hand to Palestine
But you can trade whole arms with Saudi Arabia
I’ve got a question for the new prime minister
At Grenfell Tower, your response was ridiculous
You hid like a coward behind your 5 million
Dodged responsibility and acted like you’re innocent
And I can see you’re terrified, you’re not good at telling lies
I’m getting why you stay away from everything that’s televised
You look like a robot and you don’t speak with any life
It feels to me like any guy in press could’ve said them lines
Imagine going to the council for the safety of your block
And you’ve got kids but they’re ignoring you at every time
Everyone who knew about that cladding
Should really be going prison under rule of joint enterprise
But if it ain’t a little kid with a knife
I bet that judge is going easy when he’s giving him time
They don’t deserve to be free
Any builder, MP that knew about the conditions but did it to save cheese
When I listen to the things that the residents had seen
I was so shocked I couldn’t even speak
Families they know that had died in their sleep
How you choke on the smoke when you’re struggling to breathe
The glow from the fire
The panic when you hear all the sirens
The crackling, the popping and the muffled-out screams
The fear in the eyes of a man that was trapped
Who jumped 15 floors from the tower to the street
I could only hear a fraction of the pain and the grief
Closing my eyes, trying hard not to cry
And the joy and relief in the face of a man
When a woman from the flat said his neighbour was alive
No help from the council in keeping any list
Or the people that survived, his neighbours and peers
And for that whole meeting I could see that he was trying
So his smile was an island in a sea full of tears
Look, I’ve got a message for our old prime minister
I mean you fucked us, resigned, then sneaked out the firing line
I wanna know how you managed it
And are you bathing in the sun while them papers have a run
At the woman that you left here to handle it?
You gonna teach your little lad to be the man that’s got a plan
And then the moment that it fails to abandon it?
Are there bullies in his school?
And when you pick them up after class, can you feel his embarrassment?
I mean you never gave a fuck about the youth and that’s the truth
There’s no sympathy for you or your cabinet
I really wish I could’ve seen how you were scramblin’
When you lost the referendum that you had to win
I feel like politicians are all addicts
In a big fat game but it’s lives that you gamble with
I’ve got a question for the leader of the Labour Party
Jeremy Corbyn, where do you wanna take the country to?
Honestly, I wanna put my trust in you
But you can understand why if I’ve got trust issues
Do you really have the faith of your party?
Do you really have faith in the party that will come with you?
And how do you plan on keeping all the promises?
Man, if I’m being honest, sir, I’m struggling to get with it
I just ain’t getting it
Everybody’s great until you get them into office and then guys start forgetting things
Prove to us you’re different, don’t promise me anything
Go and get justice for Rashan Charles and Edison
And if you haven’t had the thought to vote yet
Or protest ’cause you don’t really see the progress
I hope you know that what they’re saying is affecting us
The small steps are way better than no steps.”
I feel as though recently there has been a narrative circulating that individuals thrive when they adopt the attitude that they don’t need anyone else. I think subliminally it’s been picked up from social media, reading different articles and even in general conversation, the belief that being able to stand alone is preferable and reliability on others is weakness.
Don’t misunderstand when I say that everybody needs a support system, because I agree that we need to be strong as individuals too. At 24 most of my decisions are selfish, I get up in the morning and lead the day I want to lead. I go to work for me, I work on my fitness for me, I shop for me and I socialise for me. When I am going through something it’s in my character to go through it alone, but the idea that as Human’s we don’t one another is alien. I am able to do all of the above things because I have a network of people around me that I can count on when I need them and vice versa.
I think females sometimes convince themselves that they don’t need men, and men that they don’t need females. Perhaps this also correlates with the mirroring concept that people will only be what you show them to be or to think. Realistically we do need the opposite sex, not only as partners but as father/mother figures, as brothers/sisters and as colleagues and friends. Feeding into and maintaining it is counterproductive and unrealistic.
I like to believe that the perfect balance exists. That because no two people are the same there is beauty in interacting with another completely different to yourself. Where someone falls short, the other makes up. Feeding into the ideology that none of us need anyone is dangerous and evolves an existing self-fulfilling prophecy…