At lot of the time writing and self expression can come out of anger or frustration and insecurity, we all learn to deal with these things as we go through life. Sometimes it’s born out of happiness and contentment and thankfulness. When I read poems and lyrics on WordPress it amazes me how many people are out there writing away with no other objection that to communicate their thoughts in more of a humble way. Sometimes I/we worry because sharing our thoughts can leave us vulnerable but this gives us a platform as if sharing with a best friend.
There’s a story in everything. There’s a story to how you got to where you are today and that’s worth sharing. Imagine if you were to write down your life as a time line, including the biggest monumental parts and then the smaller ones they would all connect with each other and then to you, where you are right now. It would be full of apprehension and mistakes and laughter and happiness and all of that got you to this point. I wouldn’t say I believe in fate really more than I believe that you receive in turn what you give out, and although easier said than done, it just all adds to your failures and successes that subtract and multiply and divide to get you grown. There’s a scene In the Wire that explains the drug hierarchy of Baltimore using chess. If you actually think of your life as a chess board with all the individual players, you got pawns and Knights and Queens and what not and they are all making moves to protect the king. Say your knight graduates so he takes out a castle or your pawn breaks his leg so you ends up being checked. In the end it doesn’t matter how the game plays out long as the King is protected. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=y0mxz2-AQ64
I’ve been looking back over some of my older poems and it’s so crazy how times change even when you don’t realise it. Some of them are experimentation some are creative and some just pure emotion lol and I wouldn’t say I necessarily got better rather than I’m now a little more focused about the type of thing I set my mind to write. It sort of shifted from expressing my own feelings or having fun to writing for awareness to different topics or situations that I feel need addressing, or more of a spotlight than they are given. I used to always say that my dream would be to publish a novel (still there) but I think that’s shifted or grown a little recently, I would love to create a space for others to be creative with writing, for them to experience how freeing yet gripping it can be all at the same time. With my dad being ill this year I just thought to myself Ellz what the hell are you waiting for if you don’t do this now then you’re not going to get the chance. And that too was all being fed by anger and frustration and over excessive laugher at points – all jumbled together and got me here, rambling on about chess to you people.
I can’t actually remember what the original point was but that is the female mind for you! If you do have a particular drive or goal because you know it makes you feel better or even because it gives you a purpose you wouldn’t otherwise have feed it as often as you have to. If it battles with that fear and anger and expresses your happiness then it’ll always be useful for you!
Research suggests that simply writing down 5 facts or sentences about yourself and the occurrences in your day each night will help with both anxiety and insomnia. These anecdotes could be trivial facts, deep thoughts and feelings, things you need to remember, or things you want to say to somebody else. Basically anything that is on your mind. Along with theories of sleep hygiene, this diary-entry like process intends to aid sleep by leasing your mind of worries, feeling of sadness, guilt and fear. This may or may not be successful for different people, but I like to think of the theory as evidence to the therapy that writing provides.
I don’t suffer with anxiety but I am a renowned insomniac, so here is mine:
1. I want to move to Italy.
2. At some point I really need to make a diary out of a human being again. Why is it so hard to change the habit of a lifetime?
3. I need to cook Lucia’s dinners for the week before she gets home and I have been putting it off all day (I miss her). While I’m at it I should make hazelnut biscotti!
4. I learnt how to say ‘how are you’ in polish!!!!! JAK SIE MASZ!
5. Friendship is like gold dust but only because you have to work hard to build and keep it. I don’t want to loose this one.
6. (there are no rules) American Horror Story is the most fucked up series I have ever watched but I have so much time to talk about it!!!
I am probably not going to fall asleep straight away now – but you get the jist. Adapt it, something along the same lines or slightly different could work for you. In my opinion, this will tell you a lot more about yourself than paying someone else to, read between the lines.
I’ve been finding it really hard to continue writing – I am using the time of year as a scapegoat! Friday was my first work Christmas party held in the HAC Royal Artillery Rooms, London. The venue itself was amazing, themed like a circus/fun fair with dodgems (one of which I flew out of because my friends think it’s funny to come at me from 3 separate angles!!) old school photo booths, a candy floss stand, a random school bus, show-girl performances and the whole venue was decorated with millions and millions of lights.
The night started with a champagne reception followed by apple and raspberry cocktails. Drinks were paid for and an hour after arrival we were served a three course meal, which hardly anybody actually sat for for being on the dance floor and at the bar, but at some point I went back for dessert (milk chocolate mousse with white chocolate flakes, raspberry sauce and caramel snaps – happy girl).
I would definitely recommend for corporate events/Christmas parties. Although such a prestigious venue, the evening was very relaxed but exquisite and glamorous – perfect for such a magical time of year! Jay Gatsby eat your heart out!
I don’t really know why I am writing about this because I’m not sure if it’s my place, but I found out the old man I lived next door to at uni passed away. He was 82!
I just felt sad because I have really pleasant memories of him and it’s sad to think he’s not there anymore. He lived alone and would always be at the front of his house gardening when the weather was nice and I would always stop and chat to him about my day and he would take an interest in my course and dissertation. I remember he used to say he thought we were really good tenants as we were never too loud or made much noise and the bass on my speakers was quite heavy so If he heard it or it bothered him he never said, or maybe he had trouble hearing baha.
I think it was towards the end of the year, we were sunbathing cause it was really warm outside and he learned over the fence in the garden and lent us a sponge mattress thing that we could lay on instead of the grass, and whenever it was anyone’s birthday we would always give him a slice of cake.
I needed to share these memories because although he had family he used to say that they were busy and could never visit him. Although we didn’t even know him that well you don’t really think about the little things someone does or how their presence affects you until they aren’t there anymore. He was always so happy as well, he used to take our bins out for us and cut our grass and we never asked him to, I think he liked doing the jobs to keep him busy but he would always have a smile on his face, bless him! I feel like I should have gone around for the last time before I left to give him another slice of cake or help him with his garden.
He would always tell me and Moll stories about his wife who died 10 years before, and he would say how they had seen the area gradually change over the years, how a lot of his other neighbors had moaned about the influx of new people resulting from the university but how they both liked the change and getting to know lots of different people because they made new friends from all over.
It’s weird to think if I ever go back to my old house he won’t be next door but I am very glad I got to meet him and swap stories, you will be missed on Cloverland :)